You know you're getting old when:
- all the TV shows and cartoons you enjoyed as a kid are sold on DVD or DVD-R at Amazon and eBay as "collectibles"
- things you previously bought at pharmacies like batteries, sun tan lotion, portable radios and bug repellent have now been replaced by items such as aspirin, Bengay lotion, reading glasses, ibuprofen and knee braces
- teenagers start referring to you as an "old man" or "old woman"
- the artificial teeth inside your mouth outnumber your natural teeth
- you have a collection of hair pieces and/or wigs in your closet
- the insomnia you experience now results primarily from more numerous overnight hours trips to the commode
- the medium width shoes you used to be able to wear no longer fit and you now can only wear wide widths
- co workers and others you work around begin telling you to "take it easy, don't hurt yourself" more often
- you continue to wear bell bottom pants in public and listen to music on your Sony Walk Man portable audio device
- you think disco never really died
- trips to the eye doctor to have your eyes checked no longer occur every three to four years but now occur annually
- when a younger person says the word "evangelion" you think it refers to one of the following: a plant, a weed or a book in the bible
- you still watch a 13" black and white tube television in the living room of your residence
- "TV Land" is your favorite cable channel
- you spend more time sleeping in your recliner than you do your bed
- you refer to all convenience stores as "Seven Elevens"
- you still have your collection of Wacky Packages trading cards
- you still listen to your reel to reel and 8 track players you haven't bought your first DVD yet
- the hair brush or comb you used to use frequently in front of the bathroom mirror now sits on the sink unused and gathering dust
- you visit an antique shop, look around at the store's merchandise and realize it was all things you used on a regular basis in your teen years and twenty something years
- your body makes a cracking noise whenever you turn your neck left or right, get up out of a chair or when getting out of bed
- previous visits to the doctor that consisted of nothing more physically invasive than a tongue depressor inside your mouth now have been replaced by tubes stuck down your throat or up your rectum
- friends and relatives begin asking you if you've started using Rogaine yet
- the medicine cabinet in your bathroom is so packed with over the counter medicinals and other products that every time you open it most of the contents of the cabinet spill out into your bathroom sink
- you feel compelled to check out prices for wigs or toupees at Amazon and other online merchandise vendors
- trips to the doctor no longer conclude with free lollipops or candy but instead now with complimentary packs of Advil, Aleve or Imodium
- you have your personal physician on speed dial with your home phone and cell phone
- you laminate your AARP card out of fear it'll wear out from all the times you take it out and put it back in your purse or wallet
- you begin being offered senior citizen discounts at fast food restaurants before the age of 60
- you avoid eating peanut brittle, corn on the cob and other chewy, tough foods out of fear your dentures will break or get yanked out of your mouth during chewing
- you always park your vehicle as close as possible to any retail store because even a medium length walk inside the store from your car or truck can leave you out of breath
- your weekly expense for the purchase of Efferdent and or denture cleaning and adhesive products exceeds the amount of money you spend weekly on gas for your vehicle
- while cleaning out your attic and/or basement you come across what you initially believe to be children's clothing only to realize a short while later that they are in fact clothes you previously wore four or five years ago
- an exciting evening for you now is managing to stay awake long enough to watch your favorite TV shows or a single movie on television
- you still don't know the difference between AA and AAA batteries
- you think the word "blog" is a type of farmer produced slop used as pig or hog feed
- you continue to try and access the internet using your Commodore 64 computer
- you frequently sleep overnight in your recliner or on your living room sofa because the pain in your knees prohibits you from walking to your bedroom
- you think YouTube is the biggest tech advancement in history since the invention of the television
- your entire CD collection is comprised of releases with "Golden Oldies" as part or all of the CD titles
- you still own a Betamax player and have a note attached to it threatening bodily harm to anyone who tries hocking it at a pawn shop or selling it at a yard sale
- the part in your hair is now several inches wide
- you feel compelled to tell friends and family members you're planning plastic surgery in the near future despite the fact you're not planning on having any work done
- friends and family members tell you "you really do look okay with those glasses on" with more regularity
- you feel compelled to hide your actual age when registering for the first time at internet message boards
- the movements of your own body make more creaking noises than the house you live in
- you expect to see a barber pole outside every hair salon you patronize
- you describe a movie you watched on TV recently to a friend as black and white and your friend tells you the film was actually in color
- while watching a film on TV in its widescreen aspect ratio, you assume the black areas above and below the movie are a result of your television malfunctioning and you consequently haul your TV to an electronics repair shop
- you make bank deposits into your bank account with pennies
- your first car which you used in high school and college now sits in your front yard and neighbors passing by it draw animal faces in the dust on its windshield and windows
- friends and family tell you to stop squinting when you aren't, squinting that is
- you still believe that buying U.S. savings bonds is a good investment
- you continue to hoard money under your bedroom mattress
- movie studios constantly contact you wanting to use your furniture for period films they are producing
- you receive a steady stream of promo materials in the mail from convalescent homes and other senior assisted living facilities as well as free samples of Aleve and other OTC painkillers
- you develop a sudden interest in shuffleboard and checkers
- you refuse to have the outhouse in your back yard demolished because you believe it will significantly reduce your monthly water bill
- you begin storing your Aleve and aspirin in spare Tic Tac(breath mint)containers to conceal the fact you're popping these painkillers all the time
- the most common way you get inebriated these days is after you've worn your whiskey or vodka soaked dentures for more than two hours
- those grays hairs on your head are now white
- you think the term "hashtag" refers to a bladder or gastro-intestinal disorder
